General Chat

An old Irishman was asked,

"At your ripe old age, which would you prefer to get – Parkinson’s or Alzheimer's?"

The Irishman replied, "Bejesus, definitely Parkinson’s!

Better to spill half an ounce of whiskey than to forget where you keep the bottle!"

Doctor asks a pregnant prostitute.. "Do you know who the father is?"


"For goodness sakes, if you ate a tin of beans would you know which one made you fart?"

My Dog!

My dog sleeps about 20 hours a day. He has his food prepared for him. He can eat whenever he wants.
His meals are provided at no cost to him.
He visits the Doctor once a year for his checkup, and again during the year if any medical needs arise.
For this he pays nothing, and nothing is required of him.
He lives in a nice neighborhood in a house that is much larger than he needs, but he is not required to do any upkeep.
He makes no contribution to the running or maintenance of the house.
If he makes a mess, someone else cleans it up.
He has his choice of luxurious places to sleep. He receives these accommodations absolutely free.
He is living like a King, and has absolutely no expenses whatsoever.
All of his costs are picked up by others who go out, work hard, and earn a living every day.
I was just thinking about all this, and suddenly it hit me like a brick in the head.
I think my dog is an IMMIGRANT

You haven't run out of jokes have you PF ?

I so enjoyed your postings.

Love to see you back on here. :-D

British Hospitals - True Stories

1. A man dashes into the A&E dept. and yells . . . 'My wife's going to
have her baby in the taxi'.

I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the taxi, lifted the lady's dress and
began to take off her underwear. Suddenly after protests from the
lady I noticed that there were several taxis - - - and I was in the
wrong one.

Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald , St.. Andrews Hosp. Glasgow


2. At the beginning of my shift, I placed a stethoscope on an elderly
and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall.

'Big breaths,'. I instructed.

'Yes, they used to be,'. . . replied the patient..

Submitted by Dr. Richard Barnes , St.Thomas's Bath


3 One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that
her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct.. Not more than
five minutes later, I heard her on her mobile phone reporting to the
rest of the family that he had died of a 'massive internal fart.'

Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg Royal London Hosp.


4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment, he told me that
he was having trouble with one of his medications. 'Which one ?'. . .. I
asked.

'The patch; the Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and
now I'm running out of places to put it!'

I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see.
Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body!

Now, the instructions includes removal of the old patch before
applying a new one.

Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St.. Clair , Norfolk General


5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked 'How
long have you been bedridden?'
After a look of complete confusion she answered ..'Why, not for about
twenty years - when my husband was still alive.'

Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson- Maidenhead Royal Kent


6. I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while
checking up on a man I asked . . ... 'So how was your breakfast this
morning?'

'It's very good except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get
used to the taste.' Bob replied.

I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced a foil packet labeled
'KY Jelly.'

Submitted by Dr. Leonard J. Brandon . Bristol Infirmary.


7. A nurse was on duty in the A&E when a young woman with purple
hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos,
and wearing strange clothing, entered . . It was quickly determined
that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for an
immediate operation..

When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff
noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there
was a tattoo that read .. . .'Keep off the grass'

Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on
the patient's dressing, which read 'Sorry . . . had to mow the lawn.'

Submitted by Staff Nurse RN Elaine Fogerty , KGH London

Dr. wouldn't submit his name

Old ones but worth repeating.


7 Reasons Not To Mess With Children


??A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, 'When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah'.
The teacher asked, 'What if Jonah went to hell?'
The little girl replied, 'Then you ask him'.




??A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, 'I'm drawing God.'
The teacher paused and said, 'But no one knows what God looks like.'
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, 'They will in a minute.'



??A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.
After explaining the commandment to 'honour' thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, 'Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?'
From the back, one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, 'Thou shall not kill.'




??One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, 'Why are some of your hairs white, Mum?'
Her mother replied, 'Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.'
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, 'Mummy, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?'

??

I love this one!

?? The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
'Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, 'And there's the teacher, she's dead.'


??A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, 'Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.'
'Yes,' the class said.
'Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?'
A little fellow shouted, ?? 'Cause your feet ain't empty.'


I LIKE THE NEXT ONE IN PARTICULAR

?? The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:
'Take only ONE . God is watching.'
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, 'Take all you want. God is watching the apples...'


?? ~~It doesn't matter how many people you send this to, just remember if it made you laugh, your friends will laugh too.

:
The Outhouse

>DO YOU THINK THE CHILDREN OF TODAY HAVE IT
TOO EASY?

>
> Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out,
> "Pa! You need to go out and fix the outhouse!"
>
> Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse."
>
> Ma yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it."
>

> So Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back,
> "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse!"
>
>
> "Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!"
>

> Pa yells back, "I ain't stickin my head in that hole!
>
> "Ma says, "Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix."
>
>
> So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells back,
>
> "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!"
>

> Ma hollers back, "Now take your head out of the hole!"
>
>
> Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling,
> "Ma! Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!"
>
>
>
> To which Ma replies,"Hurts, don't it?!"

Good medical advice from the Jewish sages of old...

1. F***ing once a week is good for your health, but it's harmful if done every day.

2. F***ing relaxes your mind and body.

3. F***ing refreshes you.

4. After F***ing, don’t eat too much; go for more liquids.

5. Try f***ing in bed 'cause it can save you valuable energy.

6. F***ing can even reduce your cholesterol levels









SO, REMEMBER ..
Fasting is good for your health
and may God cleanse your dirty mind..

:-D :-D :-D :-D :-D

Good to have you back PF :-D :-D

"Read ' it ' "GP ?

PF made 4 postings today between 15.51 and 16.10, with many jokes ,
did you see those too ?

That's OK then ;-)

BRITISH HUMOUR IS DIFFERENT

These are classified ads, which were actually placed in U.K. Newspapers:

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old, Hateful little bastard. Bites!
___________________________________________
FREE PUPPIES
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.
________________________________________________
FREE PUPPIES. Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.
_______________________________________________________

COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED. Also 1 gay bull for sale.
________________________________________________________

JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer £100.
_____________________________________________________________

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE.
Worn once, by mistake.
Call Stephanie.
___________________________________________________________
And the WINNER is...

FOR SALE BY OWNER. Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition, £200 or best offer.
No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.

(Statement of the Century)
___________________________________________________________

Thought from the Greatest Living Scottish Thinker--Billy Connolly.

"If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking,
How come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?"
____________________________________________________________


Children Are Quick
TEACHER: Why are you late?
STUDENT: Class started before I got here.
____________________________________
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?' GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
(I Love this child)
____________________________________________
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
________________________________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.....
______________________________________
TEACHER: Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
______________________________
TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's.. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.

(I want to adopt this kid!!!)
___________________________________
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher
__________________________________

Having now been retired for a while, I sometimes have to create
opportunities to keep my deductive reasoning skills sharp.

Mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a couple
nice cold beers. The day was gorgeous, and the brew facilitated some
deep thinking on various topics.

Finally, I thought about the age old question: Is giving birth more
painful than getting kicked in the nuts? Women always maintain that
giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.

Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have
come up with the answer to that question. Getting kicked in the nuts is
more painful than having a baby; and here is the reasoning behind my
conclusion. A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say,
"It might be nice to have another child."

On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would
like another kick in the nuts."

I rest my case . . . still sharp as a tack.

Something lost in Translation:

i was at the bar the other night and overheard three very hefty women
talking at the bar.

Their accent appeared to be Scottish, so I approached and asked,
"Hello, are you three lassies from Scotland ?"

One of them angrily screeched, "It's Wales, Wales you bloody idiot!"

So I apologized and replied, "I am so sorry. Are you three whales from
Scotland ?"

And that's the last thing I remember.

Expensive Hotel

An elderly lady decided to give herself a big treat for her significant birthday by staying overnight in one of London's most expensive hotels.

When she checked out next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for £500.

She exploded and demanded to know why the bill was so high. "It's a nice hotel but the rooms certainly aren't worth £500 for just an overnight stay without even breakfast"

The clerk told her that "£500 is the standard rate", so she insisted on speaking to the manager.

The Manager appeared and, forewarned by the desk clerk, announced : "The hotel has an Olympic-size swimming pool and a huge conference centre which are available for use".

"But, I didn't use them" she said.

"Well, they are here, and you could have" explained the manager.

He went on to say she could also have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which the hotel is famous. "We have the best entertainers from Edinburgh, Glasgow and Aberdeen performing here", the Manager said.

"But I didn't go to any of those shows", the woman said.

"Well we have them, and you could have", replied the Manager.

No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, She replied "But I didn't use it!"

The Manager was unmoved, so she decided to pay, wrote a cheque , and gave it to the manager.

The Manager was surprised when he looked at the cheque. "But Madam, this cheque is only made out for £100."

"That's correct. I charged you £400 for sleeping with me", she replied.

"But I didn't sleep with you !" exclaims the very surprised Manager.

"Well, too bad, I was here and you could have".

Expensive Hotel

An elderly lady decided to give herself a big treat for her significant birthday by staying overnight in one of London's most expensive hotels.

When she checked out next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for £500.

She exploded and demanded to know why the bill was so high. "It's a nice hotel but the rooms certainly aren't worth £500 for just an overnight stay without even breakfast"

The clerk told her that "£500 is the standard rate", so she insisted on speaking to the manager.

The Manager appeared and, forewarned by the desk clerk, announced : "The hotel has an Olympic-size swimming pool and a huge conference centre which are available for use".

"But, I didn't use them" she said.

"Well, they are here, and you could have" explained the manager.

He went on to say she could also have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which the hotel is famous. "We have the best entertainers from Edinburgh, Glasgow and Aberdeen performing here", the Manager said.

"But I didn't go to any of those shows", the woman said.

"Well we have them, and you could have", replied the Manager.

No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, She replied "But I didn't use it!"

The Manager was unmoved, so she decided to pay, wrote a cheque , and gave it to the manager.

The Manager was surprised when he looked at the cheque. "But Madam, this cheque is only made out for £100."

"That's correct. I charged you £400 for sleeping with me", she replied.

"But I didn't sleep with you !" exclaims the very surprised Manager.

"Well, too bad, I was here and you could have".

Punographics

When chemists die they barium.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

The girl said she recognised me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

I'm reading a book about anti gravity. I just can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. it was a play on words.

They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

We are going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Broken pencils are pointless.

I tried to catch some fog, But I mist.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

Had a VERY quick look tho the post but hope these not been posted before

Washington DC Airport Ticket Agent



A Washington DC airport ticket agent offers some examples of why
the US is in so much trouble:


1. I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman (Carol Shea-Porter) ask
for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near
the window. (On an airplane!)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

2. I got a call from a Kansas Congressman's (Moore) staffer
(Howard Bauleke), who wanted to go to Cape Town. I started to explain
the length of the flight and the passport information, and then he
interrupted me with, ''I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Cape
Town is in Massachusetts.''

Without trying to make him look stupid, I calmly explained,
''Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Cape Town is in South Africa.''

His response -- click.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

3. A senior Vermont Congressman (Bernie Sanders) called, furious
about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the
vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I
tried to explain that's not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of
the state.

He replied, 'Don't lie to me! I looked on the map, and Florida
is a very THIN state!!'' (OMG)
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

4. I got a call from a lawmaker's wife (Landra Reid) who asked,
''Is it possible to see England from Canada?''

I said, ''No.''


She said, ''But they look so close on the map'' (OMG, again!)
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


5. An aide for a cabinet member (Janet Napolitano) once called
and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. I pulled up the reservation
and noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas. When I asked him
why he wanted to rent a car, he said, ''I heard Dallas was a big
airport, and we will need a car to drive between gates to save time.''
(Aghhhh)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
6. An Illinois Congresswoman (Jan Schakowsky) called last week.
She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit
left at 8:30 a.m., and got to Chicago at 8:33 a.m.


I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she
couldn't understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the
plane went fast, and she bought that.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


7. A New York lawmaker, (Jerrold Nadler) called and asked, ''Do
airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose
luggage belongs to whom?'' I said, 'No, why do you ask?'

He replied, ''Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put
a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I'm overweight. I think that's
very rude!''


After putting him on hold for a minute, while I looked into it.
(I was dying laughing). I came back and explained the city code for
Fresno, Ca. is (FAT - Fresno Air Terminal), and the airline was just
putting a destination tag on his luggage.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


8. A Senator John Kerry aide (Lindsay Ross) called to inquire
about a trip package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she
asked, ''Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the
train to Hawaii ?''

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
9. I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman, Bobby
Bright from Ala. who asked, ''How do I know which plane to get on?''


I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, ''I was
told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on
them.''
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

10. Senator Dianne Feinstein called and said, ''I need to fly to
Pepsi-Cola, Florida. Do I have to get on one of those little computer
planes?''

I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola and fly on a commuter
plane.


She said, ''Yeah, whatever, smarty!''
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


11. Mary Landrieu, La. Senator, called and had a question about
the documents she needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy
discussion about passports, I reminded her that she needed a visa. "Oh,
no I don't. I've been to China many times and never had to have one of
those.''

I double checked and sure enough, her stay required a visa. When
I told her this she said, ''Look, I've been to China four times and
every time they have accepted my American Express!''
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

12. A New Jersey Congressman (John Adler) called to make
reservations, ''I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York .''

I was at a loss for words. Finally, I said, ''Are you sure
that's the name of the town?''

'Yes, what flights do you have?'' replied the man

After some searching, I came back with, ''I'm sorry, sir, I've
looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a rhino
anywhere."

''The man retorted, ''Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where
it is. Check your map!''


So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered,
''You don't mean Buffalo, do you?''

The reply? ''Whatever! I knew it was a big animal.''
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Now you know why the Government is in the shape it's in!

I don't write it, I just offer it for your consideration. Like
manure, you just gotta spread it around.


>

Q: WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 365 USED CONDOMS?
A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.

Q: WHY WERE HURRICANES NORMALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN?

A: Because when they come, they're wild and wet, and when they go, they take your house and car with them.

Q: WHY DO GIRLS RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP IN THE MORNING?
A: Because they don't have any balls to scratch...

BONUS QUESTIONS & ANSWERS

Q: What is a man's Ultimate embarrassment?
A: Running into a wall with an erection and breaking his nose

Nominated as the world's best short joke
A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath.
'Mom', he asked,
'Are these my brains?'
'Not yet,' she replied.

Drunk man is stopped by the Police around 1 am & is asked where he is going at this time of night.

The man replies, "I am going to a lecture on alcohol abuse & ill effects on my health."

Officer : Really ?...Sounds interesting, who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"


Man replies "My Wife"!!