General Chat

A woman walks into an accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes..
The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions."
He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. And then asks,
“What’s your occupation?"
"I'm a prostitute," she says.
The accountant is somewhat taken aback and says, " Let's try to rephrase that."
The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl".
"No, that still won't work. Try again."
They both think for a minute; then the woman says, "I'm an elite chicken farmer."
The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a prostitute?"
"Well, I raised a thousand cocks last year."
"Chicken Farmer it is."

"The Green Thing"

In the line at the store, the cashier told the older woman that she should bring her own grocery bag because plastic bags weren't good for the environment. The woman apologized to him and explained, We didn't have the green thing back in my day.

The clerk responded "That's our problem today. The former generation did not care
enough to save our environment."

He was right that generation didn't have the green thing in Its day.

Back then they returned their milk bottles, soft drink bottles and beer bottles to the store. The store sent them back to the plant to be washed and sterilized and refilled, so it could use the same bottles over and over. So they really were recycled.

But they didn't have the green thing back in that customer's day.

In her day, they walked up stairs, because they didn't have an escalator in every store and office building. They walked to the grocery store and didn't climb into a
300-horsepower machine every time they had to go two blocks.

But she was right. They didn't have the green thing in her day.

Back then they washed the baby's nappies because they didn't have the throw-away kind. They dried clothes on a line, not in an energy gobbling machine burning up 240 volts. Wind and solar power really did dry the clothes. Kids got hand-me-down clothes from their brothers or sisters, not always brand-new clothing.

But that old lady is right they didn't have the green thing back in her day.

Back then they had one TV or radio, in the house not a TV in every room. And the TV had a small screen the size of a hankerchief, not a screen the size of the state of Western Australia . In the kitchen they blended and stirred by hand because they didn't have electric machines to do everything for you. When they packaged a fragile item to send in the mail, they used a wadded up old newspaper to cushion it, not styrofoam or plastic bubble wrap.

Back then they didn't fire up an engine and burn petrol just to cut the lawn. They
used a push mower that ran on human power. They exercised by working so they didn't need to go to a health club to run on treadmills that operate on electricity.

But she's right they didn't have the green thing back then.

They drank from a fountain when they were thirsty instead of using a cup or a plastic bottle every time they had a drink of water. They refilled their writing pens with ink instead of buying a new pen, and they replaced the razor blades in a razor instead of throwing away the whole razor just because the blade got dull.

But they didn't have the green thing back then.

Back then people took the tram or a bus and kids rode their bikes to school or rode
the school bus instead of turning their mums into a 24-hour taxi service. They had one electrical outlet in a room, not an entire bank of sockets to power a dozen appliances. And they didn't need a computerized gadget to receive a signal beamed from satellites 2,000 miles out in space in order to find the nearest pizza joint.

But isn't it sad the current generation laments how wasteful the old folks were just
because they didn't have the green thing back then?

I remember all of that.

The £4.99 Special



We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the 'seniors' special' was
two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for £4.99.

'Sounds good,' my wife said. 'But I don't want the eggs..'

'Then, I'll have to charge you £6.99 because you're ordering a la
carte,' the waitress warned her.

'You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?' my wife asked incredulously.

'YES !' stated the waitress.

'I'll take the special then,' my wife said..

'How do you want your eggs?' the waitress asked.

'Raw and in the shell,' my wife replied.



She took the two eggs home and baked a cake.

DON'T MESS WITH SENIORS !!!
WE'VE been around the block more than once !

REMEMBER WHEN:



All the girls had ugly gym slips



It took five minutes for the TV to warm up

Nearly everyone's Mum was home when the kids got home from school

Nobody owned a purebred dog


You'd reach into a muddy gutter for a penny


Your Mother wore nylons that came in two pieces

All male teachers wore ties and female teachers had their hair done
every day and wore high heels



You got your windscreen cleaned, oil checked and petrol served,
without asking, all for free, every time..



It was considered a great privilege to be taken out to dinner at a
real restaurant, with your parents


They threatened to keep children back a year if they failed the
school year. . . And
They did!


When a Ford Zephyr was everyone's dream car...
And people went steady

No one ever asked where the car keys were because they were always in
the car,
In the ignition, and the doors were never locked


Spinning around, getting dizzy and falling down was cause for giggles?


Playing cricket with no adults to help the children with the rules of
the game


Bottles came from the corner shop without safety caps and hermetic
seals
Because no one had yet tried to poison a perfect stranger


And with all our progress, don't you wish, just once, you could slip
back in time
And savour the slower pace, and share it with the children of today?


When being sent to the headmasters office was nothing compared to the
fate that awaited you at home


Basically we were in fear for our lives, but it wasn't because of
drive-by shootings, drugs, gangs etc. Our parents and grandparents
were a much bigger threat! But we survived because their love was
greater than the threat.
As well as summers filled with bike rides, cricket, Hula Hoops,
skating and visits to the pool, eating lemonade powder or liquorice
sticks.

Didn't that feel good, just to go back and say, 'Yes, I remember
that'?



I am sharing this with you today because it ended with a Double Dare
to pass it on. To remember what a Double Dare is, read on, and
remember that the perfect age is somewhere between old enough to know
better and too young to care.

Send this on to someone who can still remember the Lone Ranger and
Sgt Bilko


How Many Of These Do You Remember?
Coca Cola in bottles.


Blackjacks and bubble gums.


Home milk delivery in glass bottles with tinfoil tops


Hi-If's & 45 RPM records.


78 RPM records!


Adding Machines.


Scalextric.


Do You Remember a Time When..





Decisions were made by going 'Eeny-meeny-miney-moe'?
'Race issue' meant arguing about who ran the fastest?
Catching tadpoles could happily occupy an entire day?







It wasn't odd to have two or three 'Best Friends'?

The worst thing you could catch from the opposite sex was
'chickenpox'?


Having a Weapon in School meant being caught with a slingshot ?


War was a card game?


Cigarette cards in the spokes transformed any bike into a motorcycle?


Taking drugs meant orange - flavoured chewable aspirin?


Water balloons were the ultimate weapon?












If you can remember most or all of these, Then You Have Lived!!!!!!!

Pass this on to anyone who may need a break from their 'Grown-Up'
Life..
Double Dare You!

You excelled yourself there PF :-D :-D :-D :-D :-D

Scouser Jokes

Primary Teacher explains to her class that she is a Liverpool fan.

She asks her students to raise their hands if they too are Liverpool fans.

Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl.

The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, 'Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?'

'Because I'm not a Liverpool fan,' she replied.

The teacher, still shocked, asked, 'Well, if you are not a Liverpool fan, then who are you a fan of?'

'I am a Chelsea fan and proud of it,' Mary replied.

The teacher could not believe her ears. 'Mary, why, pray tell, are you a Chelsea fan?'

'Because my mum is a Chelsea fan and my dad is a Chelsea fan, so I'm a Chelsea fan too!'

'Well,' said the teacher in an obviously annoyed tone, 'that is no reason for you to be a Chelsea fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time. What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict, what would you be then?'

'Then,' Mary smiled, 'I'd be a Liverpool fan'.


An Australian, an Irishman and a Scouser are in a bar.

They're staring at another man sitting on his own at a table in the corner.

He's so familiar and not recognising him is driving them mad.

They stare and stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs: 'My God, it's Jesus!'

Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint.

Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a pint of bitter.

Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men and drinks the pints slowly, one after another.

After he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio.

He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness.

When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement: 'My God! The arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone. It's a miracle!'

Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the lager.

As he lets go, the man's eyes widen in shock.

'Strewth mate, the bad back I've had all my life is completely gone! It's A Miracle.'
Jesus then approaches the Scouser who says,

'Back off, mate, I'm on disability benefit.


A scouser walked into the local job centre, marched straight up to the Counter and said 'Hi, I'm looking for a job'.

The man behind the counter replied 'Your timing is amazing. We've just got one in from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac twin daughters. You'll have to drive around in a big black Mercedes and wear the uniform provided. The hours are a bit long but the meals are provided. You also have to escort the young ladies on their Overseas holidays. The Salary package is £200,000 a year'.

The Scouser said 'You're bullshitting me!'

The man behind the counter said 'Well you started it!'


Police cordoned off Liverpool City Centre this morning when a suspicious object was discovered in a car.

It later turned out to be a tax disk.

Wife by text to husband at work :- "Windows at home frozen - what will I do?"


Husband :- "Spray some de-icer, or pour warm water on them!"


Wife :- 15 minutes later :- "Done that, now computer won't work at all”.

Nice one PF :-D

I was sitting with my wife on the patio the other evening sipping a glass of wine.

I said "I love you , I don't know how I could live without you"

My wife said "Is that you or the wine talking?"

I said "It's me - I was talking to the wine."

I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

When chemists die, they barium.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Typo.

PMS jokes aren't funny; period!

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

Broken pencils are pointless.

I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

All the toilets in New York's police stations have mysteriously vanished. The police have nothing to go on.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.

Velcro — what a rip off!

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

Venison for dinner again? Oh dear!

The earthquake in Washington obviously was the government's fault.

That last one must be doing the rounds, my sis sent it to me yesterday from the US, I was going to put it on but you beat me to it ;-)

POOF, THE LIGHT GOES OFF !>
>
> A 72-year-old man goes for a physical. All of his tests come back
> normal so the doctor says, "Harry, everything looks great. How are you
> doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?"
>
> Harry replies, "God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so
> he's fixed it when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the
> bathroom, poof!, the light goes on. When I'm done, poof!, the light
> goes off."
>
> "Wow, that's incredible," the doctor says.
>
> A little later in the day, the doctor calls Harry's wife. "Mrs.
> White," he says, "Harry is doing fine but I had to call you because
> I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up
> during the night and poof! the light goes on in the bathroom, and when
> he's done, poof! the light goes off?"
>
> "OH GOOD GRIEF!" Mrs. white exclaims,
>
> "He's weeing in the fridge again!"

Last Wednesday a passenger in a taxi heading for Salford station leaned over to ask the driver a question and gently tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention.

The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab. Then, the shaking driver said "are you OK? I'm so sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me."

The badly shaken passenger apologized to the driver and said, "I didn't realize that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle someone so badly."

The driver replied, "No, no, I'm the one who is sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my very first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for 25 years !!"

.. A young lad asks his mum where his new Liverpool top is.

"I washed it and it's drying on the line."

The young lad rushes to the window to see his beloved Liverpool top lying in the mud.

"Mum, why is my Liverpool top in the mud?"

His mum looks out of the window and shouts, "The thieving gits have nicked the pegs again!"

.. A young lad asks his mum where his new Liverpool top is.

"I washed it and it's drying on the line."

The young lad rushes to the window to see his beloved Liverpool top lying in the mud.

"Mum, why is my Liverpool top in the mud?"

His mum looks out of the window and shouts, "The thieving gits have nicked the pegs again!"

My hubby recently went into Ann Summers to purchase some see-through lingerie for me.

He was shown several possibilities that range from £50 to £150 in price, the more see-through, the higher the price.

He opts for the sheerest item, pays the £150 and takes the lingerie home.

He presents it to me and asks me to go upstairs, put it on and model
it for him.

Upstairs, I think, "I have an idea. It's so see-through that it
might as well be nothing.

I won't put it on, I'll do the modeling naked and return it tomorrow and get
a £150 refund for myself".

So I appear naked at the top of the stairs and strike a pose.

My hubby says, "My God! It wasn't that creased in the shop".

A woman in my office recently divorced after years of marriage, had signed up for a refresher CPR course.

"Is it hard to learn?" someone asked.

"Not at all," my co-worker replied. "Basically you're asked to breathe life
into a dummy.

I don't expect to have any problem. I did that for 12 years."

---------------------------------------------------



There was a man, who had worked all his life, had saved all of his money,
And was a real miser when it came to his money.

Just before he died, he said to his wife...'When I die, I want you to take
all my money and put it in the casket with me.

I want to take my money to the afterlife with me.'

And so he got his wife to promise him, with all of her heart, that when he
died, she would put all of the money into the casket with him.

Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting
there - dressed in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they
finished the ceremony, and just before the undertakers got ready to close
the casket, the wife said,

'Wait just a moment!'

She had a small metal box with her; she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down and they rolled it away.

So her friend said, 'Girl, I know you were not foolish enough to put all
that money in there with your husband.'

The loyal wife replied, 'Listen, I'm a Christian;

I cannot go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that
money into the casket with him.'

You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!?!?!?'

'I sure did,' said the wife.
'I got it all together, put it into my account, and wrote him a cheque.....
If he can cash it, then he can spend it.'

---------------------------------------------------



Desmond, who was a real town-dweller, drove his car into a ditch when out on the country roads. Luckily a local farmer came was passing by with his big strong donkey called Dobbin.

Helping the young man out, the farmer hitched Dobbin up to the car and
shouted loudly, "Pull, Dolly, pull!" Dobbin didn't move one inch.

Then the farmer yelled, "Pull, Robbie, pull." Still Dobbin failed to
respond.

Once more the farmer commanded in a stentorian voice, "Pull, Ringo, pull."
Again - nothing.

Then the farmer nonchalantly and quietly muttered, "Pull, Dobbin, pull."
Immediately the donkey easily dragged the car out of the ditch.

Desmond was very appreciative but also very curious. He asked the farmer why
he called his donkey by a different name three times.

The farmer whispered by way of reply, "Oh, Dobbin is blind and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try."

---------------------------------------------------


I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!

The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!

He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'

So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'
That's how the fight started.

---------------------------------------------------

A man came home from work and was greeted by his wife dressed in a teddy.

"Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."

So he tied her up and went out for a round of golf.

---------------------------------------------------



A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her
girlfriends when Steven, a tall, exceptionally handsome, extremely s*xy,
middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him.

This seasoned yet playful heart-throb noticed her overtly attentive stare
and walked directly towards her, confidently, as any man would. Before she could offer her apologies for staring so rudely, he leaned over and
whispered to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me
to do, no matter how k-nky, for $50.00, on one condition..."

Flabbergasted, but intrigued, the woman asked what the condition was. The man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three
words."

The woman considered his proposition for a moment, and then slowly removed $50 note from her purse, which she pressed into the man's hand along with her address. She looked long, deeply, provocatively and very passionately into his eyes, barely concealing her anticipation and excitement. Slowly and meaningfully she whispered.....

"Clean my house."

---------------------------------------------------

> I just got sacked from my job with the Samaritans crisis centre. A
guy called and said, "My girlfriend left me so I'm lying on the railway
track at Southern Cross and I’m waiting for the train to come". I swear,
all I said was,” Remain calm and stay on the line".
-------------------------------------------------

> As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a Parking
Officer's funeral, a voice from inside screams: "I'm not dead, I'm not
dead! Let me out!!!" The Vicar smiles, leans forward sucking air through
his teeth and mutters: "Too late pal, the paperwork’s already done"
-------------------------------------------------

"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable
undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other
women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are
just grateful. ---------------------------------------------------

Patient: My stomach is getting awfully big, doctor. Doctor: You should
diet. Patient: Really? What color?
-------------------------------------------------

. A true story. A few years back I was attending an in house seminar
for Red Cross. The C.P.R./ First Aid Teacher had an hour to fill in
before her next class and asked if we would like a quick revision We
took advantage of it. To save time she handed us all an inexpensive
freezer bag and asked us to use that on our dummies so she would not
have to disinfect all the mouth pieces for the next group. One dippy
woman, constantly talking missed the instruction because she was busy
telling everyone how her husband had a bad heart and she needed to know
what to do. When it came time for this woman to used the dummy she asked
the teacher " Now if my husband has a heart attack, how far do I push
the plastic bag into his mouth." When it was her turn to do compression
on a baby, she picked up the doll and it's head fell off. Lucky for her
husband we no longer need to do mouth to mouth.

------------------------------------------------- To get his mind off
his losing streak at the racetrack, I took my friend horseback riding.
Being a novice, he freaked when his mount took off. "How do I stop?" he
yelled. "Bet on it!" I hollered back.
-------------------------------------------------
A fellow came into a bar and ordered a martini. Before drinking it, he
removed the olive and carefully put it into a glass jar. Then he ordered
another martini and did the same thing. After an hour, when he was full
of martinis and the jar was full of olives, he staggered out. "Well,"
said a customer, "I never saw anything as peculiar as that!" "What's so
peculiar about it?" the bartender said. "His wife sent him out for a jar
of olives." -------------------------------------------------

A man and his wife are watching the boxing on TV. The husband sighs
and says, "Man, what a rip off! It was all over in three minutes!" The
wife mutters, "Now you know how I feel."

------------------------------------------------- > A very tired nurse
walks into a bank, totally exhausted after an 15-hour shift. Preparing
to write a cheque, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her handbag and
tries to write with it. When she realizes her mistake, she looks at the
flabbergasted teller but without missing a beat, she says: 'Well, that's
great....that's just great..........some a...hole's got my pen!

------------------------------------------------- A Sunday school
teacher was teaching her class about the difference between right and
wrong. "All right children, let's take another example," she said. "If I
were to get into a man's pocket and take his billfold with all his
money, what would I be?" Little Johnny raises his hand, and with a
confident smile he blurts out, "You'd be his wife!"

------------------------------------------------- > Sister Mary Jane
entered the Monastery of Silence. The priest said, "Sister, this is a
silent monastery. You are welcome here as long as you like, but you may
not speak until I direct you to do so." She lived in the monastery for 5
years before the priest said to her, "Sister Mary Katherine, you have
been here for 5 years. You can speak two words." Sister Mary Katherine
thought for a moment and said, "Hard bed." "I'm sorry to hear that," the
priest said. "We will get you a better bed." After another 5 years,
Sister Mary Katherine was called in by the priest. "You may say another
two words, Sister " he said. "Cold food," said Sister Mary Katherine.
The priest assured her that the food would be better in the future On
her 15th anniversary at the monastery, the priest again called Sister
Mary Katherine into his office. He said, "You may say two words today."
"I'm leaving," said Sister Mary Katherine "It's probably best," said the
priest. "You've done nothing but complain since you got here."
-------------------------------------------------

After examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, the
doctor took the woman's husband aside and said, "I don't like the looks
of your wife at all." "Me neither, doc," said the husband. "But she's a
great cook, and she's really good with the kids."

------------------------------------------------- Q: What time is it
when a elephant sits on a fence? A: Time to get a new fence! Q: What do
you find in a clean nose? A: Fingerprints! Q: How did the blonde break
her leg raking leaves? A: She fell out of the tree. Q: Why don't blind
people skydive? A: It scares the hell out of the dog. Q: What do you get
when you cross a Bumble Bee with a doorbell? A: A Real Hum-dinger.

Lol PF ;-)

This comes from 2 maths teachers with a combined total of 70 yrs. experience.
It has an indisputable mathematical logic.
This is a strictly mathematical viewpoint...it goes like this:

What Makes 100%?

What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?
We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.

How about achieving 103%?

What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you!

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that while:
Hardwork and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there;
its the Bullshit and Arse Kissing that will put you over the top. Now I know why some people are where they are!