General Chat

I was in the Costa coffee shop recently when I suddenly realized I
desperately needed to fart.
The music was really loud so I timed my fart with the beat of the music.
After a couple of songs I started to feel better.
I finished my coffee and noticed that everyone was staring at me…
And suddenly I remembered..... I was listening to my iPod!
…and how was your day?
(That's what happens when old people start using technology !)

The Friday Funnies


> There was a bit of confusion at the store this morning. When I was
> ready to pay for my groceries, the cashier said, "Strip down, facing
> me." Making a mental note to complain to my congressman about Homeland
> Security running amok, I did just as she had instructed. When the
> hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out that she
> was referring to my credit card. I have been asked to shop elsewhere in
> the future. They need to make their instructions to us seniors a little
> clearer! --------------------------------------------- >
> . Thats wrong on so many different levels. I want to die peacefully in
> my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the
> passengers in his car. Church going doesn't make you a Christian any
> more than standing in a garage makes you a car m,echanic. We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police. Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice. Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
> --------------------------------------------- >
> As I was admitted to the hospital for a procedure, the clerk asked for
> my wrist, saying, "I'm going to give you a bracelet." "Has it got rubies
> and diamonds?" I asked coyly. "No," he said. "But it will cost just as
> much." ---------------------------------------------
>
> Our six-year-old daughter, Terra, has a need to ask questions...lots of
> questions. Finally, one day, my wife had it. "Have you ever heard that
> curiosity killed the cat?" my wife asked. "No," replied Terra. "Well,
> there was a cat, and he was very inquisitive. And one day, he looked
> into a big hole, fell in, and died!" Wide-eyed, Terra whispered: "What
> was in the hole?"
---------------------------------------------
> >From Christine (true story) Children at our childcare centre were
> playing fire fighting and one boy aged 4 and 1/2 was dressed up in all
> the protective gear he could find. a teacher commented on this and he
> replied "I've got a helmet to protect my head, gloves to protect my
> hands , boots to protect my feet, a jacket to protect my body and an
> oxygen tank so I can breathe" "You certainly are well protected "said
> the teacher. "No " he said, cupping his trousers with his hands "My
> balls are on fire"
--------------------------------------------- >
A man > from out east had always dreamed of owning a cattle ranch and had finally saved enough money to buy his dream spread in Wyoming. His best friend flew out to visit and asked, "So, what's the name of your ranch?"
> His buddy told him that he had a really hard time coming up with a name that he liked. He and his wife couldn't agree on what to call it so they settled on, "The Double R Lazy L Triple Horseshoe Bar-7 Lucky Diamond Ranch." ---------------------------------------------
> His friend was really impressed and then asked, "So where are all the
> cows?" To which the new rancher replied, "We had quite a few.but none of them survived the branding!
> " ---------------------------------------------
> >--------------------------------------------- >
l A woman out shopping
> with her husband spots a pair of boots she loves. The husband says: "No
> chance love, they're way too expensive". Later on in bed, the wife is
> just falling asleep when the husband tries his luck and places his hand
> on her hip. She turns to him and says. "I don't think so, pal.... If
> you're not prepared to shoe the horse then you sure as hell aren't
> riding it!"
>
> --------------------------------------------- >

Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God. Looking up, he asks the Lord. "God, what does a million years mean to you?" The Lord replies, "A minute." Smith asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?" The Lord replies, "A cent." Smith asks, "Can I have a cent?" The Lord replies, "In a minute."
>
> --------------------------------------------- One day Steve's mom was
> cleaning his room. In the closet, she found a bondage S & M magazine.
> This was highly upsetting to her. She hid the magazine until his father
> got home. When Steve's father walked in the door, she irately handed the magazine to him, and said, "THIS is what I found in your son's closet." He looked at it and handed it back to her without a word. After an
> uncomfortable minute of silence she finally asked him, "Well, what
> should we do about this?" Dad looked at her and said, "Well I DON'T
> think we should spank him."
>
> ---------------------------------------------
Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever. The guy replies: 'Thanks for the early warning.' ---------------------------------------------
>
"The only gracious way to accept an insult is to ignore it; if you
> can't ignore it, top it; if you can't top it, laugh at it; if you can't
> laugh at it, it's probably deserved." --
> ---------------------------------------------
Bloke at a horse race whispers to Paddy next to him, "Do you want the winner of the next race?" Paddy replies "no tanks, oi've only got a small garden." Joe says to Paddy: "Close your curtains the next time you're making love to your wife. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday." Paddy says: "Well the joke's on them because I wasn't even at home yesterday."

Paddy's in the bathroom and Murphy shouts to him. "Did you
> find the shampoo?" Paddy says, "Oi did, but it's for dry hair and I've
> just wet mine."
>
> ---------------------------------------------
Q: Why do mermaids wear
> seashells? A: Because B-shells are too small and D-shells are too big.
> Q: What's big & round at the bottom, pointy on the top; and has ears? A:
> A mountain; what, you never heard of mountain-ears.
>

t A man went into his local police station and complained to the Desk
Sergeant, "I've just been robbed!" "And where did this happen?" the Desk
sergeant enquired. "At the local petrol station", the man replied. "Do
you know the offender?" asked the Sergeant. "Yeah", the man replied.
"Pump Number 6"


----------------------------------------------------
>---------------------------------------------------
"China is now expected to surpass Japan as the 2nd richest country in the world. They could become the richest, but that's only if we pay them the money we owe them, and that's not going to happen."
--------------------------------------------------
The Queen and Julia Gillard are on the same stage at C.H.O.G.M. in
front of a huge crowd. The Queen leaned towards Ms. Gillard and said,
"You know with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in
this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display,
but will go deep into their hearts and they'll forever speak of this day
and rejoice!" Gillard arrogantly replied, "I seriously doubt that, one
little wave of your hand... show me!" Then the Queen backhanded her.

----------------------------------------------------
Helping me sort old clothes into "save" and "give away" piles, my six-year-old daughter came across a garter belt. "What's this?" she asked. "It's a garter belt," I said. Seeing that meant nothing to her, I added, "It's for holding up stockings." "Ah," she said, carefully placing it in the "save" pile,
"we'll use it next Christmas Eve."
---------------------------------------------------- >
The reason there are so many Irish jokes is because the Irish have a
quaint way with words. Like the Irish patient who hobbled into the
Surgery waiting room. "I hope to God the doctor finds something wrong
with me because I'd hate to feel like this if I was well!"
Murphy dropped dead the moment he arrived home from a vacation in the
tropics. He was laid out in the coffin for friends and neighbours to pay
their last respects. "He's got a great tan," Mrs Doolan from next door
mused. "The holiday did him the world of good." "And he looks so calm
and serene," said Mrs McGuiness. "That's because he died in his sleep."
explained Mrs Murphy, "and he doesn't know he's dead yet, but when he
wakes up, the shock will kill him!"
"Your glass is empty O'Flaherty, will you be having another?" "And why
would I be wanting two empty glasses?" replied O'Flaherty.
----------------------------------------------------
IT WAS HALLOWEEN NIGHT when a driver called our road-service dispatch office complaining that he was locked out of his car. I forwarded the information to a locksmith, along with one more detail: The car was parked at a n_dist colony. Of course, the locksmith arrived in record time. But when he called in later, he wasn't amused. "Figures," he said. "I finally get to go to a n-dist colony, and they're having a costume party!"
---------------------------------------------------
A couple were celebrating 50 years together. Their three kids, all very successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honour. "Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad," gushed son number one .... 'Sorry I'm running late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you know how it is, and I didn't have time to get you a gift." "Not to worry," said the father.
"The important thing is that we're all together today." Son number two
arrived and announced, "You and Mom look great, Dad. I just flew in from
Los Angeles between depositions and didn't have time to shop for you."
"It's nothing," said the father. "We're glad you were able to come."
Just then the daughter arrived. "Hello and happy anniversary! I'm sorry,
but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing so I
didn't have time to get you anything." After they had finished dessert,
the father said, "There's something your mother and I have wanted to
tell you for a long time. You see, we were very poor. Despite this, we
were able to send each of you to college. Throughout the years your
mother and I knew that we loved each other very much, but we just never
found the time to get married." The three children gasped and all said,
"You mean we're b*stards?" "Yep," said the father. "And cheap ones too."
---------------------------------------------------- >
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the
other is the husband! ---------------------------------------------------
- In an age when everyone seems to be playing the name game of
glorifying job titles, the man in charge of the meat department at a
grocery store in Wisconsin deserves a round of applause. On his weekly
time card he describes his position as: Meat Head.
---------------------------------------------------- >
A carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady. He
stepped out for a smoke, only to realize he'd lost his cigarettes. In
the middle of the room, under the carpet, was a bump. "No sense pulling
up the entire floor for one pack of smokes," he said to himself. He
proceeded to get out his hammer and flattened the hump. As he was
cleaning up, the lady came in. "Here," she said, handing him his pack of
cigarettes. "I found them in the hallway. Now, if only I could find my
parakeet."

Q: Why did the cross-eyed teacher lose his job? A: Because he couldn't
control his pupils. Q: What did the boy say after his math teacher
assigned four pages of homework. A: Boy, do I have problems. Q: Why is a fish easy to weigh? A: Because it has its own scales! Q: Who does the
ocean date? A: It goes out with the tide. Q: What do you get if you
cross two punsters with a hen? A: Two comedians who lay eggs with a lot of bad yolks.

ROFL PG~~~~

Where do you get them from :-D :-D

Rangi was standing on the door step watching Tama collecting the rubbish.
As Tama went by he yells out to Rangi
“Hey bro where’s you bin”??
Rangi replies, “I bin in Australia”
“NO” replies Tama “where’s your wheelie bin”?
“Oh I wheelie bin in jail, but I like to tell people I bin in Australia.”

Two Glaswegians, Archie and Jimmy, are sitting in the pub discussing Jimmy's forthcoming wedding.
"Och, it's all goin' pure brilliant," says Jimmy. "Ay've got everythin' organised ulriddy, the fluers, the Kirk, the mootor caurs, the recuption, the rings, the minister, even ma stag night".
Archie nods approvingly.
"Ay've even bought a kilt to be married in!" continues Jimmy.
"A kilt?" exclaims Archie, "That's magic, you'll look pure smart in that. What's the tartan?"
"Och," says Jimmy, "Ah'd imagine she'll be in white.. "

How Moses got the Ten Commandments.



> God went to the Arabs and said, 'I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better.'
>
> The Arabs asked, 'What are Commandments?'
>
> And the Lord said, 'They are rules for living.'
>
> 'Can you give us an example?'
>
> 'Thou shall not kill.'
>
> 'Not kill? We're not interested..'
>
> So He went to the Blacks and said, 'I have Commandments.'
>
> The Blacks wanted an example, and the Lord said, 'Honour thy Father
> and Mother.'
>
> 'Father? We don't even know who our fathers are. We're not
> interested.'
>
> Then He went to the Mexicans and said, 'I have Commandments.'
>
> The Mexicans also wanted an example, and the Lord said 'Thou shall
> not steal.'
>
> 'Not steal? We're not interested.'
>
> Then He went to the French and said, 'I have Commandments.'
>
> The French too wanted an example and the Lord said, 'Thou shall not
> commit adultery.'
>
> 'Sacre blue!!! Not commit adultery? We're not interested.'
>
> Finally, He went to the Jews and said, 'I have Commandments.'
>
> 'Commandments?' They said, 'How much are they?'
>
> 'They're free.'
>
> 'We'll take 10.'
>
> There, that should offend just about everybody!!!!!!
>

A 50- something year old white woman arrived at her seat on a crowded flight and immediately didn't want the seat. The seat was next to a black man. Disgusted, the woman immediately summoned the flight attendant and demanded a new seat. The woman said "I cannot sit here next to this black man." The fight attendant said "Let me see if I can find another seat." After checking, the flight attendant returned and stated "Ma'am, there are no more seats in economy, but I will check with the captain and see if there is something in first class." About 10 minutes went by and the flight attendant returned and stated "The captain has confirmed that there are no more seats in economy, but there is one in first class. It is our company policy to never move a person from economy to first class, but being that it would be some sort of scandal to force a person to sit next to an UNPLEASANT person, the captain agreed to make the switch to first class." Before the woman could say anything, the attendant gestured to the black man and said, "Therefore sir, if you would so kindly retrieve your personal items, we would like to move you to the comfort of first class as the captain doesn't want you to sit next to an unpleasant person." Passengers in the seats nearby began to applause while some gave a standing ovation.

Murphy applied for a fermentation operator post at a famous Irish firm based in Dublin. An American applied for the same job and since both applicants had similar qualifications, they were asked to take a test by the Manager. When the results were in, amazingly, both men had only one wrong answer.

The manager went to Murphy and said, "Thank you for coming to the interview, but we’ve decided to give the American the job."

......Murphy, "And why would you be doing that? We both got 19 questions correct. This being Ireland and me being Irish surely I should get the job."

Manager, "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed."

Murphy, "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?"

Manager, "Simple. On question number 7 the American wrote down, 'I don’t know.' "

You put down, "Neither do I."

Well one day Harry the Eagle waited at the nest for Mary, his darling of 10 glorious years.
After a while when she didn't return he went looking and found her. She had been shot dead!
Harry was devastated, but after about six minutes of mourning he decided that he must get himself another mate, but since there weren't any lady eagles available he'd have to cross the feather barrier.
So he flew off to find a new mate. He found a lovely dove and brought her back to the nest.
The sex was good but all the dove would say is ...... 'I am a DOVE, I want to love! I am a DOVE, I want to love!'
Well this so got on Harry's nerves so he kicked the dove out of the nest and flew off once more to find a mate...
He soon found a very sexy loon and brought her back to the nest. Again the sex was good but all the loon would say is........
'I am a LOON, I want to spoon! I am a LOON, I want to spoon!' So out with the loon.
Once more he flew off to find a mate. This time he found a gorgeous duck and he brought the duck back to the nest. This time the sex was great, but all the duck would say was.....
NO, The duck didn't say THAT !... Don't be SO disgusting!
The duck said....
'I am a DRAKE,
You made a MISTAKE!!

The young monk’s first day.

He is assigned to helping the other monks
in copying the old canons and laws of the
church by hand.
He notices, however, that all of the monks
are copying from copies, not from the original
manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the
head abbot to question this, pointing out that
if someone made even a small error in the first
copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that
error would be continued in all of the subsequent
copies.
The head monk, says, 'We have been copying
from the copies for centuries, but you make
a good point, my son.'
He goes down into the dark caves underneath
the monastery where the original manuscripts
are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't
been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go
by and nobody sees the old abbot.
So, the young monk gets worried and goes down
to look for him. He sees him banging his head
against the wall and wailing.

"We missed the R !
We missed the R !
We missed the R !

His forehead is all bruised and he is
crying uncontrollably. The young monk
asks the old abbot, 'What's wrong, father?'
With a choking voice, the old abbot replies,



'The word was...
CELEB R ATE’

Paddy and Mick are out for a pint o' the black stuff, Its getting late and Paddy says to Mick "I got a new flat would you like to come back and see it Mick?" Mick replies "Aye ok Paddy and we can take a wee drink back with us and christen it!" So the two stagger back to Paddys and are sitting having a dram when Mick says to Paddy
"Lovely flat hi but whats with the big brass gong above your fireplace?" That's my speaking clock Mick!" says Paddy.
Mick "how does that work then?"
Paddy lifts a big stick and wack's it one. Where a voice roars from next door "IT'S TWENTY PAST TWO IN THE FECKIN MARNIN FOR FECK SAKE!"

Paddy went into Marks & Spencers to buy his wife a maternity bra The assistant asked "What bust?"
Paddy replied "The condom"

Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into
the deep end.

He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.


When the Head Nurse went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love.... I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'



Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry…. How soon can I go home?'

NHS

A 75 Year Old Lady rings her local NHS hospital and this conversation follows:

'Hello I'd like some information on a patient, Mrs Tiptree.
She was admitted last week with chest pains and I just want to know if her condition has deteriorated, stabilised or improved?'

'Do you know which ward she is in?'

'Yes, ward P, room 2B'

'I'll just put you through to the nurse station.'

'Hello, ward P, how can I help?'

'I would just like some information on a patient, Mrs Tiptree, I was wondering if her condition had deteriorated, stabilised or improved?'

'I'll just check her notes……
I'm pleased to say that Mrs Tiptree's conditioned has improved. She has regained her appetite, her temperature has steadied and after some routine checks tonight, she should be well enough to go home tomorrow.'

'Oh that's wonderful news, I'm so happy, thank you ever so much!'

'You seem very relieved, are you a close friend or relative?'

' No, I'm Mrs Tiptree in room 2b.
Nobody tells you f*** all in here! ’

London Cabbies!

A devout Muslim entered a black cab in London.
He curtly asked the cabbie to turn off the radio
because as decreed by his religious teaching from the Koran,
he must not listen to music
because in the time of the prophet there was no music, especially Western music which is the music of the infidel.

The cab driver politely switched off the radio, stopped the cab, and
opened the door.

The Arab asked him, "What are you doing?"

The cabbie answered, "In the time of the prophet there were no taxis,
so
Kiss my ass and wait for a camel!!"

Sheds of Grey

> The novel "Fifty Shades Of Grey" has seduced women - and
> baffled blokes.
> Now an alternative for men, Fifty Sheds Of Grey, offers a
> treat for the men. The book has author Colin Grey
> recounting his love encounters at the bottom of the
> garden. Here are some extracts...
>
> Fifty Sheds Of Grey
>
> We tried various positions - round the back, on the side,
> up against a wall...
> but in the end we came to the conclusion the bottom of the
> garden was the only place for a good shed.
>
>
> She stood before me, trembling in my shed.
> "I'm yours for the night," she gasped, "You can do
> whatever you want with me."
> So I took her to McDonalds.
>
>
> She knelt before me on the shed floor and tugged gently
> at first, then harder until finally it came.
> I moaned with pleasure. Now for the other boot.
>
>
> Ever since she read THAT book, I've had to buy all kinds
> of ropes, chains and shackles.
> She still manages to get into the shed, though.
>
>
> "Put on this rubber suit and mask," I instructed, calmly.
> "Mmmm, kinky!" she purred.
> "Yes," I said, "You can't be too careful with all that
> asbestos in the shed roof."
>
>
> "I'm a very naughty girl," she said, biting her lip. "I
> need to be punished."
> So I invited my mum to stay for the weekend.
>
>
> "Harder!" she cried, gripping the workbench tightly.
> "Harder!"
> "Okay," I said. "What's the gross national product of
> Nicaragua?"
>
>
> I lay back exhausted, gazing happily out of the shed
> window.
> Despite my concerns about my inexperience, my rhubarb had
> come up a treat.
>
>
> "Are you sure you can take the pain?" she demanded,
> brandishing stilettos.
> "I think so," I gulped. "Here we go, then," she said, and
> showed me the receipt.
>
>
> "Hurt me!" she begged, raising her skirt as she bent over
> my workbench.
> "Very well," I replied. "You've got fat ankles and no
> dress sense."
>
>
> "Are you sure you want this?" I asked. "When I'm done,
> you won't be able to sit down for weeks."
> She nodded.
> "Okay," I said, putting the three-piece suite on eBay.
>
>
> "Punish me!" she cried. "Make me suffer like only a real
> man can!"
> "Very well," I replied, leaving the toilet seat up.
>
>
> "Pleasure and pain can be experienced simultaneously,"
> she said, gently
> massaging my back as we listened to her Coldplay CD
>

Sign That winter is going to be cold this Year?





It's late fall and the Indians on a remote reservation in South Dakota asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.


Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.


Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.

But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, 'Is the coming winter going to be cold?'


'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,' the meteorologist at the weather service responded.


So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.


A week later he called the National Weather Service again. 'Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?'


'Yes,' the man at National Weather Service again replied, 'it's going to be a very cold winter.'


The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.


Two weeks later, the chief called the National Weather Service again. 'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?'


'Absolutely,' the man replied. 'In fact, it's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we've ever seen.'


'How can you be so sure?' the chief asked.

The weatherman replied, 'The Indians are collecting thousands of tons of firewood!'

> Subject: Wife's Affair
>
>
>
> A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It's after
> midnight. While en route home, he asks the cabby if he would be a
> witness.
>
> The man suspects his wife is having an affair, and he wants to catch
> her in the act. For £100, the cabby agrees.
>
> Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tip toe into the bedroom.
> The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back and there
> is his wife in bed with another man!
>
> The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head. The wife shouts,
> 'Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money’
>
> HE paid for the Porsche I gave you.
> HE paid for our new cabin cruiser.
> HE paid for your season Bulls tickets.
> HE paid for our house at the lake.
> HE paid for your African tour and 4x4.
> HE paid for our country club membership, and HE even pays the monthly dues!'
>
>
> Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun. He
> looks over at the cabby and says, 'What would you do?
> The cabby replies, 'I'd cover him with that blanket before he catches a cold.

The Baptist Cowboy
>
>
>
> A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas , walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
>
>
> The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."
>
> The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona , the other is in Colorado . When we all left our home in Texas , we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."
>
> The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
>
> The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
>
> One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."
>
> The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.
>
> "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."
>
> "Hasn't affected my brothers though."