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Oh boy, are you lot in disgrace.
On the norty step!! The whole lot of you.
Strewth that ain't going to work is it. There's not enough room on the norty step to fit all your personages.
Looks like I'll just have to go along with your preoccupation with the white granular stuff and hope it all melts and you then have to wade through puddles of mud.
Then I will need another new list of banned words. Mud, mire, muck, slush, shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!
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By the way have you read this. I know it is an oldie but it might take your collective weather bound thoughts of fthe atmosphere.
THE LADIES!
When you have to visit a public toilet, you usually find a line of women, so you smile politely and take your place. Once it's your turn, you check for feet under the cubicle door.
Every cubicle is occupied. Finally, a door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down the woman leaving the cubicle. You get in to find the door won't latch. It doesn't matter, the wait has been so long you are about to wet your pants! The dispenser for the modern 'seat covers' (invented by someone's Mum, no doubt) is handy, but empty.
You would hang your bag on the door hook, if there was one, so you carefully, but quickly drape it around your neck, (Mum would turn over in her grave if you put it on the FLOOR!). Down with your pants and assume ' The Stance.
In this position, your aging, toneless, thigh muscles begin to shake. You'd love to sit down, but having not taken time to wipe the seat or to lay toilet paper on it, you hold 'The Stance.' To take your mind offyour trembling thighs, you reach for what you discover to be the empty toilet paper dispenser.In your mind, you can hear your mother's voice saying,Dear, if you had tried to clean the seat, you would have KNOWN there was no toilet paper!'Your thighs shake more.
You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on yesterday - the one that's still in your bag (the bag around your neck, that now you have to hold up trying not to strangle y ourself at the same time). That would have to do, so you crumple it in the puffiest way possible. It's still smaller than your thumbnail.
Someone pushes your door open because the latch doesn't work.
The door hits your bag, which is hanging around your neck in front of your chest and you and your bag topple backward against the tank of the toilet..
'Occupied!' you scream, as you reach for the door, dropping your precious, tiny, crumpled tissue in a puddle on the floor, while losing your footing altogether and sliding down directly onto the TOILET SEAT. It is wet of course. You bolt up, knowing all too well that it's too late. Your bare bottom has made contact with every imaginable germ and life form on the uncovered seat because YOU never laid down toilet paper - not that there was any, even if you had taken time to try.
You know that your mother would be utterly appalled if she knew, because you're certain her bare bottom
never touched a public toilet seat because, frankly, dear, 'You just don't KNOW what kind of diseases you could get.
By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so confused that it flushes, propelling a
stream of water like a fire hose against the inside of the bowl and spraying a fine mist of water that covers your bum and runs down your legs and into your shoes.
The flush somehow sucks everything down with such force and you grab onto the empty toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged in too.
At this point, you give up. You're soaked by the spewing water and the wet toilet seat. You're exhausted..
You try to wipe with a sweet wrapper you found in your pocket and then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks.
You can't figure out how to operate the taps with the automatic sensors, so you wipe your hands with spit and a dry paper towel and walk past the line of women still waiting You are no longer able to smile politely to them. A kind soul at the very end of the line points out a piece of toilet paper trailing from your shoe.
(Where was that when you NEEDED it?) You yank the paper from your shoe, plunk it in the woman's hand and tell her warmly, 'Here, you just might need this.
As you exit, you spot your hubby, who has long since entered, used and left the men's toilet. Annoyed, he asks, 'What took you so long and why is your bag hanging around your neck?'
This is dedicated to women everywhere who deal with any public rest rooms/toilets (rest??? you've GOT to be kidding!!). It finally explains to the men what really does take us so long..
It also answers that other commonly asked question about why women go to the toilets in pairs. It's so the other gal can hold the door, hang onto your bag and hand you Kleenex under the door.
This HAD to be written by a woman! No one else could describe it so accurately.
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Oh botheration. I neglected to add the Christmas words to the norty list.
Cease herewith all references to Christmas or Santa will cross you off his list for next year.
And leave off with the hot cross bunnies as well.
I am producing Aunty's revised English dictionary of approved and appropriate words. Have managed about half a dozen so far.................
words, that is, not dictionaries.
YG my little petunia. Are you OK. Did your hand tremble when you submitted that post. Isn't it just as well it never contained any norty words. You would be indepth up to you neck, permanently on the norty step.
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My gosh YG is hot and bothered she is mighty trigger happy. 3 entries LOL
Merry Xmas for 2010 Auntie. Bet I am the first to wish you that LOL
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It's not my fault Aunty S I tried to stop them, but I am sooooooooooooo easily lead.
I am ashamed!
Bye Am I off .
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Bye RMS You can run but you can't hide from Aunty LOL. I am off now too. nite all.x
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That's right leave me all alone to count up all the norty words you lots have used!! Tch, tch. Might as well go back to work.
Lovely cool day here, bright sunshine, gentle breeze. Aaaaahhhhhhhhh!!
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morning all
well i thought there might have been a comment lol about my frog earlier but hey ho the snow is a good way of sneaking in lol
aunty i like your toilet humour lol tea break amusement lol have just printed it off .we have no snow lots left on pavements but none new
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Heavens I missed it. Been so snowed under with the weight of winter. Sorry Maz. I will recap for those unobservant Nutters.
"hellooooo i am here lol frog has been around ,came yesterday went just now lol
well work was good fun not they have stared expanding the carpark in school time its at the back of the kitchen and all the mud is coming in what fun but we are being paid for it "
Whoo hoo!! Now how did we miss that one?? Maz must be really worried about all the mud being tracked into the kitchen from the expanding car park!!!!
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What are you like? Maz' overnight visitor didn't pass unnoticed, but felt it best not to comment in case we ended up with 'too much information' LOL
But I'm sure we are all glad that things are progressing to the next stage....assuming it wasn't caused by a broken down car!!!!!
And thank you to RMS for the offer of shoe grips. The postage would be horrendous, hence no one taking you up on your offer. Unless you have someone coming over to the UK shortly?????
To Aunty - SNOW,,,,ICE,,,,,SLUSH.....lol! Bet the ban was so you could pinch the throne! A little more has fallen overnight, but nothing to stop this intrepid explorer from venturing out. It will have probably have melted by the end of the day, and then we will have freezing fog - lol
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Morning all, typical they day I have to go out on business and horrible white stuff again. !!!!! Bah Humbug!!!!!!!!! That was polite of me LOL. not what I said offline !!
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It isn't Christmas any more (and that's another word on the prohibited list - lol) so you can stop with the Bah Humbug - lol
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Ah but read back DET LOL. I have been the first one to wish Aunty Merry Xmas 2010 LOL.
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You'll be getting the decorations out next! lol
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Not bloomin likely LOL. Holly outside looks good though it is full of berries and loads of Ivy so I am already displaying traditional decorations LOL
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LG You will lose your head along with that crown if'n you don't improve your language.
Strewth I'll bet you lined up in the post Christmas sales to buy your tinsel and plum pudding for next year. You'll be telling us next you've already eaten your first half dozen hot cross buns.
Hey I accidently clicked on the Alert button or the request review button. Never done that before. What a minefield of opportunities. Relax I scuttled out of there quicker than an Arsenal supporter leaves the ground after a losing game. And how's that for one of them metaphor thingies. (I think that's correct don't remember much of my grammar lessons).
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Oh, for goodness sake - the window cleaner has just turned up.....and it's still snowing!
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LOL Aunty no hot cross buns for me I am back on my diet. As for off with my head with the headache I have got I would quite willingly lose it LOL
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hi there well just shows you lol cos frog stayed in the spare room lol lol
when the weather is bad it saves him rushing home lol
just got a new branch of my tree to put on lol lol have been awaiting the info for ages
and also one of my hot matches was not so cold this time either
going back to the weather it was a sheet of ice in this area today so many accidents there were two bus crashes
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Petunia!! I rather like that!! Can I change my board name please Nut Lodgers!!
Another sprinkling of snow this teatime, but plenty of ice around apparently, although not here thank goodness. Lots of slipping and sliding and accidents. Great fun.
Now then, I must get round to writing my Easter cards and buying Easter Eggs.
Goodness me, I was trigger happy last night wasn't I!!! Don't know how I managed to do that. It must have been the anticipation and excitement of spending the rest of my life on the norty step lol!!
Maz, you little tinker!! It slipped past me or I would have said something!! Did you get the e-mail?
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ho ho yes i did get the E-mail lol how was your journey I dont know how I got to work today I could hardly stand up there were to acccidents with buses in the area
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